What is “Parental Alienation?” Imagine being pushed away by your own child. Oh, is that already happening? Do you feel like your ex is manipulating your kid against you?
Breakups often create a toxic environment where one parent intentionally (or unintentionally) tries to turn the child against the other parent. This is textbook parental alienation.
If you know how to recognize the signs of parental alienation, you’ll be able to protect your kids and save your relationship. If you don’t put a stop to it, parental alienation can have long-term, devastating effects on your child and your relationship with them.
What is (and isn’t) Parental Alienation
Parental alienation happens when one parent undermines the relationship between their child and the other parent. This can occur in subtle ways or through outright manipulation. It’s often the result of unresolved anger, resentment, or fear, where one parent may be trying to “win” the child’s loyalty or punish the other parent.
But here’s the critical thing to understand: parental alienation isn’t just about the conflict between you and your ex—it deeply harms your child.
When children are caught in the middle, they are forced to navigate confusing, and often harmful, emotions. They might feel pressured to choose sides or believe false narratives about one of their parents.
So, how does this happen? There are many ways parental alienation manifests, including:
- Bad-mouthing the other parent: This is when one parent constantly criticizes the other in front of the child, making negative comments or portraying the other parent as the “bad guy.”
- Undermining the parent-child relationship: The alienating parent might question the child’s desire to spend time with the other parent or suggest that the child is unsafe or unloved in their care.
- Gaslighting or distorting reality: One parent might make false claims about the other, rewriting the past, or making the child believe that certain events happened when they didn’t.
- Encouraging the child to take sides: A parent might subtly push the child to choose them over the other parent, framing it as a loyalty test or suggesting that loving both parents equally is impossible.
The result? The child’s natural bond with one parent is fractured, and they are often left feeling confused, conflicted, and deeply hurt. Sometimes, parents may do this unintentionally with an offhand comment. You may even have just realized that you’ve done some of these actions yourself.
Unfortunately, it is nearly impossible to know exactly what’s going on in the other parent’s household. However, when the other parent initiates a campaign of alienation, there are telltale signs in your child’s behavior if you know how to spot them.
Recognizing the Signs of Alienation
The next step is recognizing the signs that parental alienation might be happening. This can be tricky because the signs are not always obvious. Children caught in the middle of parental conflict may not directly voice their discomfort or confusion, but their behavior can speak volumes.
Here are some of the warning signs that you should look out for:
- Sudden Hostility or Rejection: If your child begins to show sudden and extreme hostility toward you, refuses to see or speak to you, or rejects you without a clear reason, this can be a sign of alienation. Often, the child’s reasons for their anger don’t seem to align with reality, and they might even sound like they’re acting out lines from a script.
- Parroting Negative Comments: Children repeating almost verbatim criticisms or negative opinions about one parent is another red flag. It’s normal for kids to have disagreements with parents, but when their language or reasoning feels unnatural or rehearsed, this could be the result of manipulation.
- Unjustified Fear or Anxiety: If your child suddenly expresses fear or anxiety about being around you, but there’s no real basis for it, this could indicate that they’re being influenced by the other parent’s negative comments or false accusations.
- Blocking Communication: If the other parent makes it difficult for you to communicate with your child, whether it’s by interrupting phone calls, not passing along messages, or otherwise limiting your access, this can be a deliberate attempt to drive a wedge between you and your child.
- Guilt and Confusion: Your child might seem conflicted or guilty about spending time with you, as if they’re betraying the other parent by maintaining a relationship with you. This is a classic sign that they are being put in the middle of the parental conflict.
Understanding, and being able to identify the signs of, parental alienation is just half the battle. Once you’ve identified parental alienation, now you need to take steps to fight it. I’ll warn you though, there are no overnight solutions.
Fighting Parental Alienation
So, what can you do if you see signs of parental alienation, or if you’re worried that it might happen in the future? The good news is that there are steps you can take to safeguard your relationship with your children and help them navigate the complexities of a divorce or separation.
- Maintain Communication and Consistency: No matter how challenging the situation becomes, stay consistent with your communication. Regularly call, text, or write to your child, and show them that you care, even if they seem distant. Over time, your consistent presence will be a reminder of your reliability and love.
- Don’t Retaliate: It can be tempting to fire back when the other parent is bad-mouthing you or distorting reality, but responding with negativity will only worsen the situation. Instead, focus on positive reinforcement. Avoid speaking ill of the other parent and encourage your child to have a healthy relationship with both parents. Remember, your goal is to model positive behavior, even in the face of alienation tactics.
- Encourage Open Dialogue: Create an environment where your child feels safe expressing their feelings. If they voice concerns or repeat negative things about you, respond with patience and openness. Gently correct any misconceptions but avoid becoming defensive or confrontational. The goal is to help them see the full picture, not just the version they’ve been told.
- Seek Professional Help: If alienation becomes severe, don’t hesitate to involve a family therapist who specializes in high-conflict divorces. A neutral third party can help mediate and offer strategies to rebuild your relationship. Additionally, you should discuss these alienation signs with your attorney because you may have to seek a Court Order for a fair custody arrangement that prevents further alienation.
- Build Trust Over Time: Alienation can’t be reversed overnight, and rebuilding your relationship with your child may take time. The key is to be patient and consistent in showing your love, care, and commitment. As long as you maintain a steady presence, your child will have the opportunity to reconnect with you when they’re ready.
Preparing for Battle
Divorce is hard enough without the added pain of parental alienation. By recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps to protect your relationship with your child, you can help prevent long-term emotional damage. Remember, your child needs both parents in their life, and it’s crucial to focus on healing and moving forward, not just for your sake but for theirs as well.
These tips are a great starting point for combating parental alienation, but you likely want more information. I recommend this book, Divorce Poison, by Dr. Richard Warshak. This isn’t a sponsorship, I legit recommend this book to many of my clients facing parental alienation.
–Authored by Matthew L. Harris, Esq.,
Matthew Harris Law, PLLC
1101 Broadway, Lubbock, Texas, 79401-3303
Tel: (806) 702-4852 | Fax: (800) 985-9479